Ptooey

And you know the other thing that blows my mind about Mad Men? No one ever really says what they’re feeling. This is bizarro-world to me. I mean, psh, I will tell you anything if you ask. Thoughts, feelings, opinions, musings, questions, curiosities… let’s face it, I will tell you those things even if you don’t ask.

I think too much am very in touch with my feminine side. An open book. A heart-on-sleeve kind of gal. So in the interest of TMI, can I just share something?

Sometimes I feel like I have to put on a chipper face and assure everyone that a) it’s not so bad living with hearing loss! and b) you’re stronger for it! and c) be the change you want to see in the world! and d) it’s an ABILITY, not a disability, you silly goose! d) or something to that effect.

But right now? This:

I’m not particularly enjoying my hearing aids at the moment. I want to go see a movie, but I have to wait until the only theater in the city that regularly open-captions movies shows a movie I want to see at a reasonable time (and the odds of both of those stars aligning are slim) and then I have to drive 30 minutes to get there – but I’ll only go if I can find someone who’s willing to make the trek (not impossible but I hate to ask). Just once, I’d like to get through the week without having to explain to a stranger that I’m hard of hearing and could they please repeat that and then pretending to ignore their obvious discomfort/inappropriate response/”look, ma, I can sign, too!” moments.

I’d really love for the word “what?” to not be part of my regular vocabulary. I want to know what is going on and not be embarrassed at being the last person to laugh at a joke because it took me a while to get it, not because I’m slow, but because I was trying to decipher the words coming out of your mouth. I want to eavesdrop on conversations and listen to the radio.

And oh, this is ugly of me, but I’m battling resentment. And by “battling,” I mean letting it have its way with me (I’m very loose with my vocabulary). While I’m thankful for opportunities to do so, I resent it a little that I have to work so hard to have access for things that other people take for granted. Like captions in movie theaters. I resent that I’m the one who has to do all these things and that very few people will ever truly appreciate the effort it takes to be hard of hearing or deaf or hearing impaired or whatever your particular name for it is. I’m also tired of trying to find the right word. Which is my own problem and no one else’s, but… whine, groan, grumble anyway.

Yes, I know life isn’t fair so suck it up and do what you have to do and set a good example and life is what you make it and a dozen other cliches. But you know what, I’m going to pull the “it’s my blog and I do what I want” card. So today, we wallow.

Eventually, I’ll get over it. I’ll rejoin the ranks of advocacy and education and going with the flow and playing the cards you’re dealt and accentuate the positive and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and oh hey you’re thinking about this too much so just get over it already. I have to, because otherwise the alternative is to curl up in the fetal position and cry and watch reruns of King of Queens, which gets old after a while (do not ask me how I know this).

Pout.

I’m going to watch Hairspray, the cure for the common cranky.

This makes me

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3 thoughts on “Ptooey

  1. Say, here you are, friend!

    Sorry to find you are starting off this year weary and worn…. I hope it helps to know that I, while I'm not much of a prayer warrior… I do pray for you. Because I love you.

    And remember how we were going to watch a million movies between now and summer… and go on a dessert tour… we'd best get busy.

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